#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.