Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Lmaoo 😂
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.