Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
ugh not again
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye