I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.