Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*