People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
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Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn鈥檛 you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*my friend pulling the dog鈥檚 tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you鈥檙e self-employed.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 馃槏馃コ馃コ馃コ they left a first-floor window unlocked and i鈥檓 just walking around in here!
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
cant wait for y鈥檃ll to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn鈥檛. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)