“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Candles never taste the way they smell
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”