My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
You Might Also Like
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.