It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
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My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again