Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
You Might Also Like
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.