Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.