just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Something Saturday.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”