‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Something Saturday.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.