[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
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Very concerning
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
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*holds boombox over my head outside your window
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*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Me: Touché.
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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me: yeah, I’m aware…
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me: oh no my charcuterie board
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family