Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
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My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that