CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
You Might Also Like
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
DOOO EEEET
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.