Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
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A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩