My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Time for evil
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
That’s it.I’m out.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband