(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
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Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I wish I could veto my bills.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.