Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*ernest hemingway voice*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Carpe DM
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary