My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants