Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”