Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
When you’re here for the treats.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole