Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…