I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
(Jupiter –
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
A leaf blower, but for people.