Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
no cat here
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Rambo Rambow
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
same energy
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers