If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
You Might Also Like
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same