It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?