Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
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Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.