ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
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The options really are this bad
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
This is Sparta
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you