You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
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6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
sin harder.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.