It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves