“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.