Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
HERE’S MARKY
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.