Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
You Might Also Like
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
This is my favorite one of these!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.