Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
You Might Also Like
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
this will hang in the louvre one day
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My time has come.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.