It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You Might Also Like
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
me adding lol on a serious message
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Perfect.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.