How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Something Saturday.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’ve been learning to cook.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?