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[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.