God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
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moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*