Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.