[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now