Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
You Might Also Like
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.