I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
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[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.