It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Oh no
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring