DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.