i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess