[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
You Might Also Like
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
a lot to unpack here
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
A choir of Spring onions
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.