Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
President The Rock Obama
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
our love story in four pictures
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me