my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store